Her Story
She was a fearful one-- of storms, of stranger dangers... that neighborhood watch sign terrified her for years (she thought it meant someone had been kidnapped there before). She was eager to please. Straight A's in school, and a drive to excel in sports. She loved to read, pretend and insisted on being the mother and teacher... and she was a "tad" bossy and completely stubborn. She was (at least in her own mind) "the leader of the pack" of the neighborhood kids. Yet she was sensitive... passionate-- she felt deeply, and she loved being independent (probably a little too much).
She had heard about Jesus growing up, said a prayer, but in saying it realized she didn't really understand, and she became afraid in a sense-- because she knew He was all those things that scripture said. And she knew somehow that she couldn't measure up, and so early on she chose to be unaffected by this love so freely offered because she couldn't do anything for it. She couldn't perform for Him. She would shut down when people shared with her because she knew she couldn't conjure up the faith she "should" have, and her heart harden to it even more.
And then in fifth grade-- it just clicked. She understood that He was the way. That she didn't have to measure up. It was in her weakness He was/is strong. The wages of sin-- all that yuckiness in her heart-- was death but His gift was eternal life through Jesus. His love was freeing, beautiful but she would have no idea how much this love would rock her world. She struggled through middle school and high school--- her desire to people please and perform seemed to deepen with a constant struggle to know how to love Jesus and follow him. She desired to know Jesus deeper more intimately but didn't understand how knowing him could affect her identity. As senior year closed, everything she could turn to was cut off. She desperately tried to control the world she lived in so she turned to running and making a game out of how little she could eat. She had lost control but was desperately trying to have it back.
And then came college and the fight to please Her king and her desire to please others took it's toil, she desperately needed to be confident in His love for her--- that he just loved her because he loved her... because she was chosen before the foundation of the world to be "holy and blameless" before Him.
And he would to take her to the pit to show her just how much He did... and then the plunge... depression and anxiety consumed her. She doubted him.. doubted his love, and was completely helpless. She tried to do more to compensate--- people would tell her to have more faith but it only made it worse. Didn't they realize that she wouldn't choose this for herself? Didn't they realize that if she could conjure up more faith she would? Yet, He was always near meeting her in those dark nights of the soul.... and as she sunk deeper she wanted it to end.. her life, that is. It would have been so simple to drive off the road that day--they would probably call it an accident. BUT HE WAS there... and she knew He was the life giver and she couldn't make herself do it. She couldn't slap her Maker in the face..
She begged Him to be free. She finally let others in, and in community she found healing. And He promised her he would be her Great Physician and he was the Great Physician. He tore but He bound up... and in the process she became free(and is still becoming free.. she's not finished yet). She became more of who He had created her to be... because what He said mattered more.
She began to love her story rather than be ashamed of it, and she loves to tell it. Because it tells of the greatness of the One who is worthy of all our praise. The one who turns darkness into light. The One who frees captives. The One who turns mourning into praise. The One who is the life giver! It tells of a King, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men... he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. And He defeated death, and he is still in the business of making dead hearts live.
Her story is just a miniscule part of a grander one, and if you find her singing.. How could she not? His steadfast love is better than life! He is making her feet like the Hinds, and given her wide places to step. His perfect love casts out fear. Hers is just one of many stories of ashes turned to beauty. "and he will finish the work he has started... and he is making all things new." When this blog started almost two years ago it was just the beginning of this new found freedom... and if you haven't guessed it yet, this was my story or at least part of it... it's still being written ;)
She had heard about Jesus growing up, said a prayer, but in saying it realized she didn't really understand, and she became afraid in a sense-- because she knew He was all those things that scripture said. And she knew somehow that she couldn't measure up, and so early on she chose to be unaffected by this love so freely offered because she couldn't do anything for it. She couldn't perform for Him. She would shut down when people shared with her because she knew she couldn't conjure up the faith she "should" have, and her heart harden to it even more.
And then in fifth grade-- it just clicked. She understood that He was the way. That she didn't have to measure up. It was in her weakness He was/is strong. The wages of sin-- all that yuckiness in her heart-- was death but His gift was eternal life through Jesus. His love was freeing, beautiful but she would have no idea how much this love would rock her world. She struggled through middle school and high school--- her desire to people please and perform seemed to deepen with a constant struggle to know how to love Jesus and follow him. She desired to know Jesus deeper more intimately but didn't understand how knowing him could affect her identity. As senior year closed, everything she could turn to was cut off. She desperately tried to control the world she lived in so she turned to running and making a game out of how little she could eat. She had lost control but was desperately trying to have it back.
And then came college and the fight to please Her king and her desire to please others took it's toil, she desperately needed to be confident in His love for her--- that he just loved her because he loved her... because she was chosen before the foundation of the world to be "holy and blameless" before Him.
And he would to take her to the pit to show her just how much He did... and then the plunge... depression and anxiety consumed her. She doubted him.. doubted his love, and was completely helpless. She tried to do more to compensate--- people would tell her to have more faith but it only made it worse. Didn't they realize that she wouldn't choose this for herself? Didn't they realize that if she could conjure up more faith she would? Yet, He was always near meeting her in those dark nights of the soul.... and as she sunk deeper she wanted it to end.. her life, that is. It would have been so simple to drive off the road that day--they would probably call it an accident. BUT HE WAS there... and she knew He was the life giver and she couldn't make herself do it. She couldn't slap her Maker in the face..
She begged Him to be free. She finally let others in, and in community she found healing. And He promised her he would be her Great Physician and he was the Great Physician. He tore but He bound up... and in the process she became free(and is still becoming free.. she's not finished yet). She became more of who He had created her to be... because what He said mattered more.
She began to love her story rather than be ashamed of it, and she loves to tell it. Because it tells of the greatness of the One who is worthy of all our praise. The one who turns darkness into light. The One who frees captives. The One who turns mourning into praise. The One who is the life giver! It tells of a King, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men... he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. And He defeated death, and he is still in the business of making dead hearts live.
Her story is just a miniscule part of a grander one, and if you find her singing.. How could she not? His steadfast love is better than life! He is making her feet like the Hinds, and given her wide places to step. His perfect love casts out fear. Hers is just one of many stories of ashes turned to beauty. "and he will finish the work he has started... and he is making all things new." When this blog started almost two years ago it was just the beginning of this new found freedom... and if you haven't guessed it yet, this was my story or at least part of it... it's still being written ;)
Love it!
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